Written on May 19, 2015

Passive (noun): “accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance”

I wish I could stand up for myself. I wish I could fight back but no matter how hard I wish, I never seem to be able to do so. People hurt me left and right. I let them. I don’t stop them. I never did and I never will but why? Why am I like this? I don’t want to be like this but it’s so hard to change myself.

In elementary school, there was a guy in my class who would bully me. I don’t remember much but I know that he would make me stand far away from the class, whenever we’d line up. He would say mean things to and about me. He was just a bad person. And since our mothers were friends, I was forced to have a sleepover with him one time… it was weird…. and another time, he came over to my house for one. *sigh* Yet my mom tried to convince me that I wasn’t allowed to have sleepovers but it was okay for me to have one with my bully, of all people. Besides that, I was just distant from my other classmates, who would pick on me because of my appearance or make fun of my name. I didn’t really like them. I don’t know how I managed to survive all those days alone, without a friend.

In middle school, particularly 7th grade, I was starting at a new school. I saw it as a fresh start. A chance to begin anew. I was still young and innocent, just a bit weathered with everything I had gone through. And then it began. A young girl had told me that another guy in the class ‘liked’ me. I felt uncomfortable and ignored the boy whenever he confessed to me or asked me out. This continued on for the rest of the year, and it wasn’t just him either. There were countless others. It took me a while before I realized that it had all been a dare. A stupid, stupid dare to see who could go out with me. I always wanted to tell them to fuck off but I never had the courage to. I was always passive. One instance, in particular, stands out to me. It was April Fool’s 2011. I was with my gym class, doing stretches. One of the guys, the first one, passed by my class, and told me that I was “hot” and that it was “no joke”. It all stopped in 8th grade though and I felt so empty that it had. I also felt regretful at how passive I was. Luckily, no other people targeted that year although, I did spend most of the year alone.

High school was so different. So much shit happened in 9th grade that you will not believe it. First of all, I think I was photographed naked in the locker rooms. It was an instructional day, one of the first, so I stupidly changed into my clothes then was changing back when I saw a pair of girls standing near me holding phones. I was on the edge of the locker row too. Later, in the classroom, they were huddled around one phone and laughing. I just knew that it was because of me. I didn’t know why they had done that. It just bothered me. There was also a few instances with a group at my school. One of the girls threatens to beat me up and is super rude to me, claiming that my presence is unwanted, etc. Another girl sticks an unused pad in my hair at the end of class as I’m walking down the stairs. I didn’t even notice until I was on the other side of the school. I was mortified. Another girl in the group makes me a fake facebook at the end of the year, using my yearbook picture. I noticed it on the very last day of school and had it reported. It called me a lesbian and claimed I was going to move back to India. A common misconception is that I look Indian but I’m not… people just think I am. It bothered me more that so many people in my classes had the fake facebook added, thinking it was me. That was their last impression of me since I left the school. Luckily, it was taken down after it was reported but shit, I should have been more active to all these people who wronged me.

10th and 11th grade, which I’m in, have been relatively quiet. Not much to complain about. And thus, I end my rant here. I really need to speak up more when people attack me, instead of cowering inside my shell but it’s so hard to… maybe one day, it’ll be easier…

Edit (5/23/15): I forgot to mention something that happened in 10th grade. In my math class that year, I sat near an asshole. He was very rude to me and would oftentimes claim he was smarter than me, even though I clearly was better in the class than he was. I’d be forced to come up with things to say back to him and I didn’t like it. One day, I don’t know why, but he kept saying “Suck my whole dick.” as an insult. It was really offensive. He was just a rude guy and he even made a whole song/dance about my name. He called me one of his favorite people too. What the fuck? Who does he think he is? I’m so done…



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