Written on May 26, 2015
“Self-harm (SH) or deliberate self-harm (DSH) includes self-injury (SI) and self-poisoning and is defined as the intentional, direct injuring of body tissue most often done without suicidal intentions.”
It’s as an appropriate time as ever to write about this. I just cut myself. I don’t know why. Please don’t ask me. I just felt like grabbing a knife and cutting the back part of my foot, my heel. I figured it was a good place as any and since I wear socks/sneakers a lot, no one will know.
Besides, I cut deep enough to scar but not deep enough for it to bleed. Although, I wish it bled. Wait a second. What the fuck am I even typing? Ha. I bet you’re all staring at my words right now wondering if I’m losing my mind. Which, quite frankly, I am losing my mind. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore.
I just have serious issues with harming myself emotionally and physically. I’m sick-minded, very sick but I’m okay with that. Sometimes, I’ll just get a paper clip and poke it inside any paper cuts or other small injuries in attempts to make them bigger. I want to see blood, at times. Or I will use the same paper clip to slit my wrists on a small scale or just scratch it against my forearm. It does feel kind of nice to do that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
The first time I cut myself, last June, I was scared out of my mind. I used an old knife I hid in my room and just went over and over my wrist until it bled. I have just had so many issues with cutting over the past year. I lost track of how many times I did it… I just did.
I also have mental self-harm tendencies as well. I’m always feeding myself lies, mistrusting others, and keeping my distance. My philosophy is not to take anyone’s presence for granted. I refuse to grow attached to people and whenever things get too… good, I’m always the first person to walk away, in fear of getting too close to other people. Yes, I know. I’ve brainwashed myself. But I’ve always been alone.
I’m alone most of my life anyways. My family is shitty and I have no close friends because I’ve stopped myself from having any. I just keep to myself and think then my poisoning thinking infects my brain and drives me to do all this sick shit. I’m lost in an endless cycle that I’m not even sure I want to break away from. Maybe I should just stay this way forever.
Random thought. My right arm is just hurting so much. Could it be because I cut my left heel? It only started hurting after that. I really hope I didn’t fuck up. I’d hate myself forever if I accidentally broke something. Then again, I don’t really care about myself. Uh… am I talking myself back into depression again? Then again, did I really ever escape it in the first place?
I always find that whenever I keep going like this, I eventually talk myself into feeling crappy. I can never just stay in a good and hyper mood; I have to always be gloomy. It’s one of my character flaws, perhaps. I better stop this chapter right now because I’m feeling an urge to cut again… I really need to fucking stop this shit. Oh, great, my cursing is back. That’s when you know shit is getting serious. Anyways, this is Myst signing off. Have a nice day/night and please remember, you all are precious. Don’t hurt yourselves. Talk to someone. Get help. Don’t suffer alone. Goodbye for now… (And the biggest hypocrite award goes to me…)