Written on May 30, 2015
I know I promised I’d do a topic on the past few days of my life so here, it is. This is going to be a bit tricky to write on as I don’t really know where I should start. Please bear with me. I just really need to get this out. It’s just something that’s really making me question whether or not I want to live anymore. Life really is crappy, isn’t it?
Here’s the situation. I think it was a month ago when the first event happened. My mother found a strange black, burnt spot in my bathroom. I had no idea how it had happened but she told me that the smell of smoke caused her to go into my bathroom to investigate. She confronted me about it when she picked me up from school one day, asking me if I smoked. I told her I didn’t.
Drugs are bad for you. I know. I’ve had that lesson burned into my mind time and time again by school. I understand the consequences. I know a lot of what could go wrong. I’m an honest girl. (Ha, mostly.) I would never abuse drugs and I’d never lie about such a thing. Plus, I’m not the type of person to take drugs. Everyone who knows me would agree with that. It seriously is laughable to accuse me of that.
So, when it happened a third time this past week, my mom had no doubt that it was me. No one else used my bathroom, to my knowledge, but it was not me. My father came into my room at midnight on Thursday, May, 28th, and took away my laptop/iPod for no reason, pretty much. Then I got pulled out for a talk with both my parents. They made me feel so victimized.
My mother making it obvious how damaged I’d get by smoking and showing me an article about how teens are smoking flowers to get high. (They found a burnt flower this time. It escapes me how this is all happening. I seriously don’t know.) Then my father goes on about how he’ll disown me and put me up for adoption, if it was me. He has no tolerance for this. None at all.
But it’s not me! I did nothing wrong to deserve this. I sent out that message, about the break, thinking I wouldn’t get my things back but I got my laptop back Friday afternoon. I don’t know what’s going to happen next. For now, I have my laptop but I don’t have my iPod back. Things will be a bit difficult but I have a plan to get my iPod back. I just- I don’t know. I did nothing wrong.
I’m like Kaneki Ken. (Tokyo Ghoul reference. Sue me.) He did nothing to deserve all the pain he got; I did nothing wrong either. I just burst into tears being yelled at like that. I was being blamed for something I didn’t do. I didn’t feel safe. My life felt threatened. I can’t go to a foster home. I don’t want to be forced to quit school and never go to college. My life was going to be stolen from me. It sounded way worse than being killed. I actually refused to sleep even when they had gone to sleep. I just stayed up until 1:30am walking around and thinking. I really wanted to kill myself. I wanted to cut. I wanted to die.
But I lived. I forced myself to sleep and I went on with my life. I- I don’t know anymore. I think it’ll take me time to think this over… for now, I’ll just live day by day… and one day… I’ll be okay… maybe… I don’t know. I just don’t know any of the answers. I just wish people would stop asking me questions. *sigh* I’m done here… wish me luck out there.