Written on June 24, 2015
Love (noun): “an intense feeling of deep affection”
Here it is… I knew I’d be getting this topic sooner or later. Well, first of all, I hate love. I swear I’m the most unaffectionate person out there. My family always complains about how I’m so distant and cold. So… I doubt I’ll find good subject material for this from my personal experiences. Then again, I might have felt a light sense of love a few times before. Let’s explore that.
So, in 10th grade, I had psychology with this one guy. We would chat with each other occasionally. Not really as friends or anything. He was a junior and that was the only class we had together. But it was nice to talk about the different subject matters and relate them to our lives. I remember one of our conversations.
I don’t know what we were talking about, but I remember him clearly saying: “So, you’re going to be one of those people that ends up killing themselves after high school?” In a twisted sort of way, that question made me like him a bit. It might have been because I saw him as someone who understood or I was just naturally drawn to him. I didn’t act on it or anything. I just left it as that.
We saw each other again the following school year when I was a junior and he was a senior. I joined the Model UN club at my school and he was there. He came to a few meetings and I couldn’t help but look at him. We didn’t get a chance to talk, but I really wish he did. I’d see him in the hallway too sometimes and I’d just look his way. It’s too late now, though. He graduated and he’s gone now. But did I have a crush on him? Or was it just nothing?
Here’s another story. This past school year, junior year, I saw a guy in one of my classes. Well, actually, he was in three of my classes. I don’t know why but I was just curious about him. I’d peek over at him and see what he was doing and I noticed he’d do the same. It was super awkward. We’d sneak glances at each other. This happened pretty much all school year.
Except at the halfway mark, his schedule got changed. Instead of us sharing three classes like before, we now shared one. Oh, and in that one class, we had a seat change too. He now sat next to me, across the aisle. I had an edge seat and so did he. Second semester, I avoided looking his way. I was getting over him, I guess. I wonder if I ever did feel anything for him. I’ve never allowed myself to love. Love is stupid, right?
Anyways, my school took all the juniors on a field trip one day. I was sitting in one of the balconies and during the show, I spotted the boy. He saw me too. We spent a good chunk of the show staring at each other. He’d look up at me. I’d nervously look back at him, making eye contact. After gaining more confidence, we looked at each other longer and longer. It wasn’t until school the next day that I found out that the boy I was staring at was not the same one in my class.
Well, that’s awkward. So we went the whole school year without more staring. We actually had a conversation once too since we have a mutual friend. This guy was pretty much being a dick and asking me why I had to “rush” to every class. That mutual friend had commented that I got back to class fast after we did our textbook returns. I just naturally walk fast. I don’t know.
I also watch the bell and memorize the school bell schedule [by accident, I swear]. So… he called me out on that. I tried to defend myself but pretty sure the other guy hates me now. He’s such a snarky asshole, too. Fuck you. Anyways, that’s all I can think of saying. Unless… wait here. I got more.
I might have mentioned these before but in 7th grade, I received a few confessions out of a dare. Some boys were telling me they loved me and complimenting me the whole school year. It was awkward and I rejected all of them. Read the chapter ‘passive’ for more details. That about does it for me and love. I hope I don’t feel this awkwardness again… *sigh* Anyways, Myst out. Peace.