Written on June 24, 2015

Suicidal (adjective): “deeply unhappy or depressed and likely to commit suicide”

Hm… let’s see. The first time I contemplated suicide was when I was in 6th grade. Back then, 6th grade was in elementary school. So there I was, a little 11-year-old, and already wanting to die. I dreamed up different ways of offing myself, but that never happened because I ended up moving that year.

After the move, my suicidal feelings had just melted. As if they were never really there in the first place. I was a happy tween or as happy as I could be back then, struggling to make friends and maintaining my grades. It wasn’t until last year, 2014, did my feelings resurface. This time, stronger than before.

In the last year, I’ve tried killing myself twice. By choking. Unoriginal, I know. I wasn’t planning to go out with a bang. I wasn’t even planning to kill myself. It just happened. The way my hands fit so snugly around my throat scared me. And how my hands moved on their own and started to choke me.

I could feel the breath escaping my body. And if it wasn’t for me quickly pulling my hands off, I would have died right then and there. I wrote a whole chapter on ‘self-harm’ so not really going to get into that in this topic. Please go read that if you’d like to. I guess I’m more of an impulse suicide attempter. I mean, if I’m feeling down, I’ll go straight for that knife or another sharp object.

I’m just not brave enough to end it all. It could be because I’m scared or I just really hate goodbyes. Pain is enough to keep me satisfied for now. And there’s always anime too. I just binge watch anime until my brain goes numb from watching so much. It really helps so I don’t think of anything too depressing.

If my mind is left alone for too long, I think myself into depression. It happens a lot. Or maybe I’m just so deep in depression that I’m in denial. Oh, well. Not my problem. Well, not my problem yet anyways. My main focus nowadays is on my stories and getting into college. Anything else can take a backseat until I’m emotionally ready to focus on it. Well then, I think I’m done here. Goodbye.



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