Written on July 13, 2015

Gender (noun): “the state of being male or female (typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones)”

I’ve been wanting to talk about this one for a while, now. It’s been boring a hole into my mind for the past year or so. I don’t remember when I had begun thinking of it. Perhaps, it was around December when I came back to Wattpad after my long hiatus. That was around the time I started using the clubs. I was never really an open person; I wasn’t explicit about my gender.

After a while, people mistook me for a guy and I found it funny. I told a few people privately, only those who I spoke to more than a few times, while keeping the majority in the dark. And it’s not like I’d purposely bring up gender. I avoided the topic. Then people just assumed. It pissed me off a bit, but I didn’t bother correcting them.

I just don’t see the point in having to pick a side. Why should I? So people can subject me to horrible gender stereotypes? I’m moody and emotional. So what? I also have a cold and rational side. I’m sure that through this book, you’ll see how malleable my personality is. Some days, I’ll type really formal while other days, I won’t. It just depends on me. And instead of picking a label for a gender, I want to be me.

I don’t want to be seen as female or male. I just want to be seen as me first. Not what my sexual organs are. My mother and my grandmother criticize me time and time again as to why I’m not like other girls my age. I don’t know how to cook a single thing. I don’t help out with enough chores. I don’t babysit. I don’t do this. I don’t do that. They just keep comparing me and comparing me.

Well, newsflash, I’m my own person. I’m not them. I get good grades. (Great even, but I’ll brag more in an intelligence chapter someday… *cough* Request if you want. *cough*) I give decent advice. I’m supportive and understanding, yet they don’t see that side of me. They just see a smart but lazy girl with not enough talents. What more do you want from me?

I just want to be left alone… to not be judged. I just get so uncomfortable being seen as a female online. In real life, it’s unavoidable, I know. I don’t know what to say anymore. I just wish society was different. I wish I was different. Maybe if I had been more feminine… my mother would love me. I despise shopping with a burning passion. I hate shoes. I’m not girly or sweet. What am I? A them? An other?

And this is why I shouldn’t write chapters past midnight… I can’t focus and I lose my attention easily. I had my rant planned out earlier, too, but I can’t remember any of it. So let’s wing the rest of this? Eh, I might as well cut it off right here then. I think I got everything. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be comfortable explicitly being female on the internet. But I hope one day, either I change or society changes… I have no idea what I just wrote about but I hope this makes sense to at least one person out there. Goodbye! (Question for you: Why is ‘goodbye’ such a bad word? Please tell me in the comments. Thanks!)



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