Name: The Boy With The Fire In His Heart
She was the Girl of Fire and her flaming red hair was the source of it.
Ardersa Santiago had everything a girl could desire, yet the fire in her own soul felt dimly lit. Something in her life was missing.
At least that’s what Grey Crawford was told when he was sent back to Earth after the long lost daughter of Lucifer. He knew his life might as well of been hell when he aligned himself with the devil. Still, he hadn’t expected such a difficult mission when he decided to follow in his fathers footsteps.
Now he must chase after the Girl of Fire and bring her home. However, she has no idea who or what she is…
Review: I think I’ll go part by part with this review. This might be the best organizational method for structuring my reviews while also making sure that I say everything that I want to say about the book I am looking at.
Prologue. Instead of directly saying “feeling paranoid”, paint a picture of her being paranoid. Example: “She looked over her shoulder for the hundredth time, half-wondering if she was going crazy and half-certain that there most definitely was someone following her.” There are a few other incidents where showing would work better than telling such as “the pain evident in her voice” or “it made him angry”. Don’t tell us. Show us. Overall, though, the prologue did its job correctly. It caught my attention, made me curious, and it hinted at the conflict.
Chapter One. I’m not going to nitpick the grammar but there are a few small errors. I would recommend running the chapter through grammarly or hemingwayapp at some point. The chapter felt a bit too ordinary for me, but then again, it’s just starting off. I like how you imply how a car would have ran her over if it wasn’t for the guy saving her. The small details like that make a huge difference. I like the mention of the necklace. It’s good for foreshadowing. The details about Sophie are not really needed. It feels like you’re info-dropping. Don’t drop too many details at once. Keep it slow, and reveal everything in its own time.
Chapter Two. This chapter doesn’t have much going on. The flashback at the end was a nice touch, though. To keep a reader’s interest, I’d recommend giving each chapter its own mini subplot so that you make sure that none of your chapters feel like “filler” chapters. Readers will get bored with “filler” chapters unless they’re done in a humorous way. Also, try to sneak in as much characterization as you can. Build up who everyone is through the way they talk, how they view the world, and how they interact with other people. Do they make eye contact? Do they stare at the wall when they talk? Do they space out a lot? Are they a thinker? A doer? Neither, perhaps? Your story could do with a lot more substance than it already has, and I do know that your chapters are a bit on the shorter side since the average number of pages for Wattpad chapters is 2.
Chapter Three. It’s getting better now. Less “filler”. More plot. That’s a good sign. It’s not really clear why Arder knows Grey’s father. It’s kind of confusing, actually. This chapter was a bit too dialogue heavy. I’d recommend adding more details to make it more fully-fleshed out. Also, what happened to Arder’s friend? Did they just go inside the school? Whose POV is this meant to be in by the way? It started in his, but it transitions into hers. Try to consistent with either one or the other, not both. Why is she so quick to ditch school? What is her motive? What’s so important about the factory anyways? Well, I think this is a good place to end my review. Thanks for reading, and have a great day/night. Until next time, good luck!~