03/23/16

Disgusting rant ahead. You’ve been warned.

I have so much anxiety right now. It’s driving me insane. There are literally so many things that are bothering me all at once, and I feel like I’m drowning. Let me list some of them first, though, so you can see how much pressure I’m under.

+ I’m going to college in the fall and I want to move out, but my parents won’t let me.

+ I am just stuck in a rut with editing my completed science-fiction book, Lifeless, and it is demoralizing me.

+ I want to go to prom and grad nite, but I have no friends.

+ My stupid school is making me do the Physical Fitness Test tomorrow during one of my hardest classes. I’m not going to show up, but I’m so anxious that they’ll keep me from graduating. I have asthma, so if they make me run, I’ll probably pass out after one or two minutes. I’m not even kidding. I have to run to avoid being late to school, and it makes me so light-headed that I can’t even function. (Don’t even get me started on how much anxiety being late to school gives me. My freaking school locks you out of class, and makes you stare at a white wall the whole time. I was forced to go one time, and it made me super depressed. Now, I’m just scared of going back there. So damn scared.)

+ I have almost all A+’s, and I feel like I need to keep them that way. This makes me really stressed because of how much of a perfectionist I am.

+ Social media is disgusting. Why do I even bother using it? I hate people. Always have. Always will.

I legit feel nauseous from all of these… I wish I could just lock myself up in an asylum so people would stop bothering me, and I wouldn’t be such a nuisance to them either. I’m honestly not seeing the point in life anymore. It’s so… empty; I’m empty, too.

I feel numb all the time. My emotions are either non-existent or just very highly amplified only in my own head. To other people, I’m just a robot. But to myself, the world just won’t stop moving. I feel things on a deeper level than anyone I know could comprehend, and it pains me. It literally hurts me to suffer like this while everyone else thinks I’m retarded or this and that.

I just- I give up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m going to keep to myself. I don’t want to deal with other people anymore. I’m going to be selfish, and I’m going to do what I want to do. Not what other people want me to do. It’s my life, and if they’re going to be fucktards, I’m going to lock them out of my world because I don’t need their toxicity to bleed my soul even further.

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