08/30/16

I… I’m not sure why I keep lingering in the Wattpad threads when I am no longer posting in them. It’s a tough habit to break…

I’m not sure what I should do now. There are a dozen things sitting on my plate, waiting for my attention, but I end up wasting time instead… waiting… always waiting… for something to happen.

But what am I waiting for? A reason to stay? A reason to leave? I am not so sure, but I do know that I need to be more productive.

So, I will try and see if blocking Wattpad on my computer will help. Hopefully, it alleviates my confusion. Wish me luck.

– L.

08/28/16

It’s been a while so I figured I would type up a quick post to let people know I’m still alive.

The feeling of pure emptiness has returned and it lingers so strongly in my body.

Some nights, while I’m lying down and trying to sleep, it feels like there is a physical aperture (hole) where my heart is meant to reside.

Maybe I’m starting to have withdrawal symptoms because I have taken myself out of the Wattpad threads for the past few weeks. Unsurprisingly, no one has noticed.

Well, no one has tried to ask me why I left or tried to get me to come back. It makes me wonder if my initial presence in the threads was even appreciated. Perhaps, I was simply wasting my time for no reason and making myself miserable on purpose.

While I was in the threads, I ended up helping more people than being helped. I was always the one to initiate conversation or keep the conversation going… I was nice and friendly to everyone I encountered. I had no major issues with anyone.

But, amongst an online community of users, I was so… alone.

I created my own fun all the time, but for once, I wanted to be surprised. I wanted other people to show me their projects, their plans, and their dreams. All of my friendships had become so one-sided, so reliant on me, that when I stopped putting in the effort, the friendship died. No one cared to water the flower of our dead friendship.

People just walked away and left me behind. Like they always did…

Sigh. I think I’m done for now. I’ll cut this off before I start writing in circles.

Until Next Time,

Lumi

Intervention

Lately, there has been one question plaguing my mind.

Should I delete my Wattpad account?

I have strong feelings for both answers (yes or no), but I can’t really make up my mind on what I should actually do. You may have heard me say that I’m either not leaving or that I will be deleting my account in September 2016. Honestly, I have no idea what to do…

So, I’ll be writing this long-winded post so that hopefully, I can make up my mind or I can at least explain to you how complicated this dilemma is. It runs far deeper than a simple excuse, really, and I want to make sure you understand my reasons for leaving if that ends up being the winning option. Anyways, let’s get down to business, shall we?

What caused these feelings in the first place?

This next part is a bit tmi, but whatever. My blog. My rules. Because I’m a biological female (agender identity, though), I have that… time of the month thing. And whenever it arrives, it’s a bitch. It’s so bad that I start feeling effects up to a week before I actually get the cramps and the whole package. It makes me super depressed and suicidal because #hormones. That is a major reason for all of this happening now.

And if I end up forgetting all this leaving nonsense after that time is over, I will feel really, really embarrassed with myself. Because this has happened in the past, and all the times I tried to “leave” or “go on hiatus”, it has always ended in disaster. Don’t believe me? Ask someone that might know about it, then. Sigh. I just hope it doesn’t turn out this way.

The second part of the formula is that it’s Summer. I tend to be in a better mood when I feel useful. In the Summer time, I often have nothing to do. No school. No homework. I feel completely useless, purposeless, and I don’t know what to do with myself. Inevitably, I become depressed. This is why I’ve been so… down lately. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t want to live anymore. It’s just so tiring. So boring. So… mundane.

And what does this have to do with leaving Wattpad?

I often feel frustrated when I look at my profile on Wattpad. Currently, I have so many works posted. I actually have eight of them posted. Five are marked as complete. Three are marked as “ongoing”. Over the months of being active, there’s definitely been a drop in how many people that have read and voted/commented on my works. I’m not thirsty for reads or anything, but it makes me feel sad because it furthers the sense that I’m losing myself and that I keep leaving all my “good days” behind me… It makes life bleak and disappointing. I get frustrated. I want a change. A fresh start. A new beginning.

So, one of my solutions is to take down the books that make me unhappy. That’s what I am going to do in the next month or so. Until my planned leave date in September. If I can find myself again before I have to leave, I might end up keeping my account. Anyways, I’ll list all the books I’m taking down as well as the dates, so you guys are aware. Just as a bonus, I’ll also list the reason, too.

1. Wanderlust- July 25th

I wrote this for the #OnceUponNow contest. It lost.

I just don’t want a physical reminder of that contest. Plus, no one new reads/votes/comments on it anyways. Why should it take up room on my page?

2. Flynn Morris: Space Explorer- July 29th

I missed writing, so I freewrote this. But I’m rushing it. I need to give it more time and special attention. I can’t half-ass this one, and once I’m done with Lifeless, I might tackle this one again. Either way, this one will definitely come back in the future if I end up keeping my Wattpad account. I just don’t want it to be neglected on my page.

3. Disillusioned Hope- August 1st

I honestly love this story so much. It means so much to me. It’s my first completed book. But… it’s horrible. It has plotholes everywhere. It’s an utter mess. I just… don’t want people to see it anymore. That’s all. I want to only show my best work.

4. Bitter- August 5th

This story is my child. I adore it. But… it’s so hard to write for it sometimes. I have trouble updating on time, too. I’ll need to work on it by itself, so I can give it the justice it deserves. Don’t worry. I plan on bringing this back one day. That is, if I stay on Wattpad. I’m still not sure yet…

5. Tainted- August 8th

I regretted writing this book about halfway through writing it. I kind-of want to get away from the satire writing that I let myself get trapped in for a while. If I ever feel like doing satire again, I’ll probably post it on this blog and keep it off Wattpad. Sorry, folks, but I just don’t want to cringe at myself again.

6. Behind the Screen- TBA

I’m still not sure about this one. I submitted it to be featured a long time ago. So, if it ends up being featured, I’ll leave it. But if it’s rejected, I’ll take it down as well. If you’re curious as to how long I’ve been waiting, click here. Gosh, if I get featured, that’d be the number one way to convince me to stay on Wattpad…

Did you guys notice that two books were not listed?

That’s because I love Nightmare and Lifeless so much that they’re the only two books I’ll be keeping if I stay on Wattpad. (Well, two of three books if BTS gets featured.)

So… what else is making you leave Wattpad?

I’ve been using Wattpad as a crutch for too long. I need to leave so I can get stronger. Heck, I’ve spent most of my life using other things as crutches to avoid my problems. I need to fix my relationship with my (physically and emotionally) abusive mother. I also need to prepare myself for university and learn how to drive. I’m still not done growing up either. Basically, I’ve got tons of things I need to do and I can’t let Wattpad get in the way.

Besides, I’ve been having a lot of negative experiences with the threads lately. After a while, they stopped being… fun. All my usual friends were either busy or… in another timezone. I felt ignored and lonely. I always feel lonely, but lately, I’ve felt more lonely than usual. (Then again, it could be the hormones.) Anyways, I just feel like a burden and that everyone hates me. This also connects back to Summer and how I feel so useless.

Wattpad is just making me feel all sorts of things. Or maybe it’s something else, and I’m blaming poor Wattpad for all my pain and suffering. Who knows? My mind is a confusing place. So confusing that you could get lost in it. Take it from me. I get lost in my mind all the time…

Hm… Where was I again? I think I covered all the bases I wanted to cover.

Is it time to post this?

Is it time to share it with people?

There’s only one way to find out…

Freak Week by WritingWith

Are you looking for something quirky and different to read? Don’t mind getting a bit… freaky with your book choice? Well, go ahead and read Freak Week. It’s sure to amuse you. I know I was amused while reading it, and the best part is that it’s not just written by one person. It was a bit of a collaborative work, so it was interesting to see how each author built upon what the previous one wrote about.

But enough of me talking about it. Go see how good it is for yourself. 🙂


 

Click here to read.